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Now This… May 2, 2008

Posted by Jack Hammer in : Children, Culture, Jack Hammer, Standards, Worldliness , 3 comments Print This Post Print This Post Email This Post Email This Post

Television, Smell-a-vision, Aitch-e-double-hockey-stick-A-Vision. 

We can’t live with it.  We can’t live without it.  Some do, but most won’t.  We need our nightly news-fix.  We love our commercials.  Quality time with the remote — Priceless.  Channel surfing is the new sport.  It is our babysitter, our nightly pacifier, our family unifier.  Touch my couch, and you are welcome.  Touch my coffee table, and you are forgiven.  Touch my piano, and you are sophisticated.  Touch my television, and you are ignorant, presumptious, meddling. 

American culture is television.  We live it.  We imitate it.  It imitates us.  It pushes us.  We push it.  We follow it.  It follows us.  We teach with it.  It teaches us.  We need it.  It needs us.  It is us. 

Should we have a television?  Should we watch television?  Why should we watch television?  How should we watch television?  What does television say about us?  What does it teach us?  How does it affect us.

May is televison month on JackHammer.  Hard to watch while your hammering, but it makes a nice sparky arch when it explodes.  Fireworks!  And we aren’t even to July yet. 

Stay tuned!

Name that Theme April 9, 2008

Posted by Jack Hammer in : Jack Hammer, Mix 'n Match , 7 comments Print This Post Print This Post Email This Post Email This Post

 More haiku (in case you haven’t yet tired of it):

Guess what our theme is

We will tell you when you guess right

We’ll give three chances.

 

Theme introduced through

Riddles in poetic form,

Haiku not old (yet).

 

April’s theme hinted

It pays to discover the

Card that pays you back.

 

As light as paper

Almost as valuable

Heavy to the weak.

 

Some who have it don’t

It has you, you don’t have it

Even when you do.

 

The root of evil

Not necessarily this

Though you might dissent.

Have at it! 

Cultured JackHammers, Twice Refined February 4, 2008

Posted by Jack Hammer in : Culture, Jack Hammer , 3 comments Print This Post Print This Post Email This Post Email This Post

We’s got enculturation. Jest check under our fangernils. Y’ll see fer yerself. W’re civilized too. We’s got manners, and we ain’t afeered none to use ‘em. We meby ain’t su high-fallutin’ as some mat lak, but we got class! We’s in a class all ar own, iff’n I may be so bold.

We ain’t no rednecks neither. Jus ‘cause we got a gun rack on our ten speed don’t meen nothin’. We bilt us a porch on our trailer. And its pert near a werk of art. We carved a heart on the tree in the back yard… at’s why mu wife thinks I’m an auteest! An we luv thet thar Classical music. Ceptin’ thet we cain’t figger why ain’t nobody usin’ the jackhammr in the precussion section. We’s thankin’ thet wood be an improvement, ‘specially on ‘em songs lak Beethovan’s fifth, or thet ther Chaekuvsky feller’s 1812 Ovrature.

To top ‘er all off, we’ve got us a werldview thet jes won’t quit. Wait’ll y’all hear’t. We’s a-thank’n thet y’all ‘ll be downright immpressed ta ‘ear how all we’ll be applyin’ it. TeeVee, moovies, art, literture, mewsic, drama, even ole’ Al Gore’s famous invention. We’ll be runnin’ outa time afore we’r a runnin’ outa materials. Some stuffs beootyful, and some’s downrat ugly. But it all ‘ll be a-fittin’.

So y’all come set at yer ‘puter fer a bit, and we’ll be a-fillin’ ya in on the latest JackHammer topic. Keep ‘er comin’!

JackHammers on a Mission January 6, 2008

Posted by Jack Hammer in : Jack Hammer, Missions , add a comment Print This Post Print This Post Email This Post Email This Post

We love missions. We love missionaries. We are missionaries. And we have missions. We’ll be on a mission this month, as we address the issues surrounding Christian missions. To deputate or not to deputate, that is the question. Is the modern system of deputation really a good example of local church missions? Is mission board accountability superior to local church accountability? Does our missions model measure up to the New Testament model? Can we really claim to have local church missions when our missionaries are supported by fifty different churches, representing fifty different varieties of missions philosophy? Do pastors read missionary letters? Do they think about what their missionaries are doing? All one hundred fifty of them? Do they pray for them? Do they know the names of their kids?

Jack Hammer’s on a mission to address these issues. Jake Hammer, on the other hand, wants to abolish the system and start over. That’s why we keep him locked in the cellar. Kent wants to philosophize. We can’t help ourselves. Practical or not. He’ll tackle some mission boards. Maybe he’ll even name names. Jeff will professorize. In a very practical way. Dave’s got hold of the apple cart. He wants to tip it. He wonders why we put perfectly good apples in such a rotten basket.

Try not to step on any apples. We have enough for cider already.

Newsy News for 2008 January 4, 2008

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Having used up all the daylight in 2007, we now face three hundred sixty-six sunlight sections for the upcoming year. And we’re wondering what to do with this wealth of brilliance.

We’ve hammered some topics to pieces. Other topics we left with significant scarring. We’ll come back to those later. We have so much to hammer, we don’t know where to begin. Or what to do with all this dust.

We took our Union-style lunch break, a Union-style coffee break, and a Union-style bathroom break. We’re pulling on the gloves, pulling down the eye protection, and strapping on the hard hats. We’ve dusted off our boots, flicked asphalt chunks off our coveralls, and emptied the concrete gravel out of our shirt pocket. We’re about ready to rev up the ol’ Hammer once again.

Even more systematically, we’ve a variety of topics on our worksheet for this year. We might need a little candlepower. Potholes need attention. We’ll be laying pipe under the highway. We’ve got a plan for all of this. And at least three months of flex. We’ll mix in some practical/helpful topics. They chip easier. Of course, we’ll hit the doctrinal topics, and when we need some overtime, we’ll chunk away at some political and cultural issues. But we’ll try to avoid the donkeys. They’re a bloody mess.

Much thanks to you, our faithful readers, for hitting us so obsessively. With your help, we are fast approaching the two hundred thousand mark. And the good news is, at February’s end you’ll have one extra midnight to spend staring at our posts. Happy New Year!

O Christmas Tree! O Christmas Tree! December 4, 2007

Posted by Jack Hammer in : Christmas, Jack Hammer , 3 comments Print This Post Print This Post Email This Post Email This Post

O Christmas tree! O Christmas Tree! My friends say you’re an idol.

O Christmas tree! O Christmas Tree! They say I should not have one.

They don’t like you; they think you’re bad. They won’t have you, it’s really sad.

O Christmas tree! O Christmas tree! My friends think its idolatry.

 

O Christmas tree! O Christmas tree! They don’t like Santa either.

O Christmas tree! O Christmas tree! They call him names like Buddha.

He’s Satan’s Claws, and things like that. And besides this, he’s really fat.

O Christmas tree! O Christmas tree! They won’t hang Santa on you.

 

O Christmas tree! O Christmas tree! I won’t tell you, ‘till you tell me.

O Christmas tree! O Christmas tree! It’s funny how I think of thee.

You are so pretty, green and white; With funny things and pretty lights.

O Christmas tree! O Christmas tree! I feel no urge to worship thee.

It’s that time of year again. Santa Claus. Reindeer. Tinsel and bells. Men in malls. Red-nosed reindeer. Christmas trees. Blinking lights. Egg Nog. New additions to the tie collection. Humbug.

My kids spotted mommy kissing Santa Claus. Under the mistletoe, too. In fact, Santa dragged mommy over to the mistletoe and kissed her. Right there, in front of the kids. He said “ho-ho-ho” when he was done, too. Then he kissed her again. They all ran screaming out of the room. Santa just said “ho-ho-ho” again, and went back at it. But mommy didn’t mind. She just said, “Santa-baby, hurry down the chimney tonight!”

Oh the joys of Christmas!

We’ll talk about it this month. We might even wax spiritual on y’all. Never know. But mostly just warm, glowing stuff out of our warm glowing hearts. And Santa Claus too. But not Rudolf. We know where he got his red nose, and we DON’T think its funny. Or cute. PUT AWAY THE EGGNOG, YA BAD LITTLE REINDEER. YOU CAN’T BE GUIDING NO SLEIGH IN THAT CONDITION.  Y’LL RUN OVER GRANDMA.

Stay tuned!

In Case You Aren’t Tired Yet… November 30, 2007

Posted by Jack Hammer in : Jack Hammer , 26 comments Print This Post Print This Post Email This Post Email This Post

We have opened up a new feature called “discussion.”  The tab for the discussion side of our blog is at the top of the home page, and it will take you to some very nice features.  One feature is the “One-on-One Debate Center” where people like Christopher can go to deal with their issues.  Dave has started things off by graciously offering Christopher his shot at a debate on the repentance issue.  Feel free to follow the debate.  Per Dave’s request, the debate will be limited to six exchanges, and then it will be closed.  So Christopher, you’ve got six chances.  Give it your best shoot! 

Meanwhile, if everyone else would refrain from posting in the middle of the debate, it would be appreciated.  Feel free to start your own threads on the issue, or simply to comment on the debate in the comments portion of this thread. 

Bang away!

P.S. You must register with JackHammer to participate in the discussion pages. It’s not hard; just follow the link on the left of the page.

Wordz i Lernnt thes Munth October 29, 2007

Posted by Jack Hammer in : Jack Hammer, Jack Schaap , 4 comments Print This Post Print This Post Email This Post Email This Post

i foggot to put in my list of reasons why not to talk about Jack Skaapp the one you now about learnnin.i can’t do all thet memerizing and stufff.but I guess I should have said,”NUMBER ELEVEN:I DONT FELL LIKE LERNNIN ANY KNEW WORDZ”so,hear we our after a munth of boggling and I lernned so many new words.i figure i can recapp them and try and make sure I got the right meenin with the right wordZ. 

CRAP — n. ConsistentlyRegularAbnormalPoppycock

scouffer — n. [1] the new name of your favorite frozen dish; Stouffer’s latest competition found in the freezer section of your local supermarket. If not, ask the manager when it will be available. [2] a scooper that has a hard time pronouncing explicatives; thus the ‘p’ is softened to sound like ‘f’ and rather than double the ‘o’ the ‘f’ gets repeated and the second ‘o’ gets changed to ‘u’ to avoid the use of double doubles in the same word. [3] you supply the definition.

rath — n. a feeling of wrath so intense that you don’t have time to double the U.  Also known as ‘wrath.’ Etymologists have theorized for years that more primitive societies left off the ‘W’ simply because it’s simpler with fewer letters.

moron — adj. describes a large religious organization that follows the teachings of the prophet Joseph Smith. Some of their members perform in the Moron TAB and Apple Choir.

And then there are those comments that you can’t comment about.  They just speak for themselves:

that statement is typical of people you go to FBC.Lady i don;t know were you go,i’m jens Aunt i’ve been going to FBC since 1976 and never heard such criticism about are church if you don’t like whats going on their thats for choice leave everyone else alone!!!!!!!!!!

Whew,i’m tired;giv me a break;while i go GET A LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Top 10 Reasons Not to Discuss Jack Schaap on JackHammer September 30, 2007

Posted by Jack Hammer in : Jack Hammer, Jack Schaap , 19 comments Print This Post Print This Post Email This Post Email This Post
  1. People are dying and going to Hell and all we can talk about is Schaap?
  2. We don’t know Jack.
  3. Don’t we have anything better to do than to GOSSIP about great men of God?
  4. Two words: Tom Neal.
  5. Because we haven’t baptized 13,000 souls in our lifetime, let alone in the last two weeks like they did.
  6. For the sake of Jose Vargas, who currently holds the record of 364 consecutive weeks getting baptized, dating back to just after his fifth birthday. We probably haven’t baptized 364 different people, let alone the same person 364 weeks in a row.
  7. Because Jack Schaap has a bigger church then we do. Way bigger. He’s probably preached to more people in one week than we will in our lifetime. Which is why the Pope is such a good man.
  8. JACK HYLES IS THE GREATEST PREACHER THE WORLD HAS EVER KNOWN AND HE’S MY PREACHER AND ALL THE REST OF YOU ARE NOTHING BUT USELESS PRETENDERS AND YE ARE OF YOUR FATHER THE DEVIL AND I LOVE HAC AND YOU JUST NEED TO SHUT UP AND START WEARING THE BRITCHES AND LEAVE THE MAN-O-GAWD ALONE. COME ON NOW! SOMEBODY SAY AMEN!
  9. Because there are so many bigger fish to fry. Why fish for minnows?
  10. Shouldn’t we be out Soulwinning?

What’s the Good Word? September 2, 2007

Posted by Jack Hammer in : Jack Hammer, The Word , 15 comments Print This Post Print This Post Email This Post Email This Post

It’s our anniversary, and we want gifts.  Virtual gifts will do.  So, in keeping with the theme for September, here’s what you can do.

Write one word in a comment.  Choose wisely.  One word and one word only.  One word that makes us think, that expresses your thought, that gives us something to chew on for longer than a spoonful of pudding.

What’s the good word?

Oh, and a sentence before or after would be fine too.  Just be sure to highlight the One Word.