JackHammer

Jacob went to find his wife.

Joseph found his wife.

Moses found his wife.

Eleazar took a wife.

The priests were instructed to “take a wife.” — Leviticus 21:13

The pattern is continued in Jeremiah 16:2

Hosea went and took his wife.

Jesus went to find his bride.

Proverbs 18:22 says,

Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favor of the LORD.

it doesn’t say,

Whoso’s father findeth him a wife obtaineth favor of the LORD.

My point in this drive-by post is just to say a few things related to finding a mate, marriage, and complementarianism.

1. Godly families rear their boys to be men and their girls to be ladies; therefore, the boys and girls should also find their mates in different (complementary) ways.
2. Parental involvement is present with both boys and girls, but vastly different.  If your son has not been trained by you how to seek and find a wife on his own (but with your guidance), how is he going to lead the family YOU put together for him?
3. Fathers, please recognize the huge responsibility you have to prepare your son to be able to find his wife. You are definitely involved, but the involvement shrinks as your son gets closer to marriage.

All of Genesis 24, the longest chapter in Genesis, the book of beginnings, tells the story of Abraham obtaining the life’s partner for his son. To review that first line, what is Genesis 24 about? It is all about a man acquiring a wife. We should regulate our lives by Scriptural example. It’s not as easy as plain statements, but we’re supposed to gather some doctrine and practice from Old Testament narratives. Genesis 24 isn’t for nothing. It has some purpose.

Some have used Genesis 24 as merely a picture of Christ and the church. They usually do the same thing with Song of Solomon. I believe those efforts represent something closer to an allegorical hermeneutic. I take the position that types should be stated. If there isn’t some strong connection of the dots, I don’t see a type or a figure. I can say that the ark is a picture of salvation because of other statements in Scripture about Noah and the flood.

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see that Genesis 24 is about the man leaving father and mother and cleaving to his wife. A pattern is provided. We should judge that pattern by propositional statements found elsewhere in the Bible. We should look at other examples. Everything combined should form the doctrine and practice. I’ve already looked through Scripture at other examples. Principles flesh themselves out that we see modeled here in Genesis 24. Let’s see what they are.

PRINCIPLES IN A PATTERN FOR THE OBTAINING OF ONE’S SPOUSE (Genesis 24)

Principle One—The Authority (Genesis 24:1-2, 49-51)

The chapter starts with Abraham even as he is the patriarch, the one in charge. As the chief executive of his household, he exerts authority over the man who oversees the entire home business, a house manager, something like we see referenced in the some of the parables of Jesus in the NT (Matthew 24:45, “Who then is a faithful and wise servant, whom his lord hath made ruler over his household, to give them meat in due season?”). The servant was the ruler over Abraham’s household, but in the chapter the servant repeatedly and subserviently refers to Abraham as his “master,” which is the word for “lord” (adone). The man is doing Abraham’s bidding all along the way, doing his lord’s will.

Later in the chapter Rebekah’s father Bethuel and her brother Laban stand in the way between the servant and Rebekah. They must decide if she we will go. In v. 49 the nameless servant makes it clear that they are dealing with Abraham in this circumstance. They decide in v. 51 that Isaac can have Rebekah as wife.

The Scriptural way depends upon authority for the obtaining of a life’s partner on both the man’s and the woman’s side. Following authority is the basis for making the right choice. The objectivity of the parent keeps it from emotions or hormones, deceit and defeat. Permission must be granted from the woman’s authority. Also, in the example of the family of Abraham, there is no independent adulthood between the two families. We have two homes in Scripture. In the first home, a man and a woman are under parental authority. In the second home, the man leaves his father and mother, the woman marries him, he becoming her head and she is help meet. There is not an in between marriage time when men or women operate unilaterally to parental authority. When that does happen in Scripture, it occurs almost unanimously to great harm to those who separate from the authority of their father.

The history of dating, essentially an English and mainly American phenomenon, is one in which the process toward marriage steps out from under the authority of parents. The children take the task into their own hands. Today parents are instructed to do so and often gladly do. Those who don’t do it gladly are most often marked as a kind of bigots. This history coincides with a radical cultural change that paralleled with the industrial revolution. Dad’s employment sent him away from home. School went from something small and close to home to something big and further away. Students far outnumbered adults. Boys and girls had more freedom to spend time relatively alone. The parents were less involved with their children. Boys and girls began announcing what they had taken into their own hands. Parents must accept. Now parents endorse.

Without parents initiating, the process took on all sorts of new dimensions. Feelings were now love. Love became the means of choice, but it was actually lust. With the kids taking charge, new dating skills were developed akin to the strange woman in Proverbs. Both boys and girls learned how to seduce at an early age. Less time was spent on skill, intellect, and spirit building and more on mating rituals. The music and fashion industries marketed to this. The young people bought what they were selling. Where we stand today, this has a stranglehold even on Christian college campuses. It is true that much of it is no longer about marriage, but about gratifying short-term physical and emotional desire.

When we see in Scripture this pattern followed of the children taking the authority in the choice of life’s partner, it is often embraced by rebels or godless pagans. Samson ordered his parents around and it lead to his downfall. Jacob, perhaps because he himself didn’t follow his parents instruction, didn’t restrain his own children enough, and this resulted in the sorry incident with Dinah and the Shechemites and then Judah’s corrupt dalliance with Tamar. A lot of problems in the Old Testament revolve around doing this the wrong way.

Dating today just imitates the worst examples in the Bible regarding authority. The whole history of dating contradicts the biblical, historical, and then really traditional way of getting a wife or husband. The point of dating has been for children to initiate the process. Even if the parents are closely involved, the young people are checking each other out and dressing and acting in a way to get that done. The kids then report back to their parents what they like and want. They take the Samson route or the foolish bread boy of Proverbs 7. The temperature goes up, the IQ goes down, and the relationship with the parents drastically changes. If the parents intervene, the kids resent it and the culture backs them up.

In the story of Isaac, the two marriage candidates aren’t involved with each other at all. They must fully trust authority in their lives. This is pictured as the ideal. It is the way of faith, even as we will see later in the chapter. It is the way of answered prayer. The parents are the ones doing everything, including doing the checking out. Of course, to those who don’t like this way, that means the parents pick out someone ugly for their child. After all, they don’t care about the physical as much as character and other matters, so they ignore looks. This isn’t true. Parents want a good match for their children too, but they don’t have to be affected by the looks in the same way that their children will be, where lust is involved. It also allows the looks and character issues to be balanced off.

Part of the attack on God’s way is also an attack on parental authority and ultimately the role of the Dad. Part of the conspiracy of Satan is to destroy the home and a great way to do that is to obliterate the role of the man in the home. He is succeeding at that and this is one of the ways. Dads don’t choose and then they don’t protect their daughters any more. They are a mere figurehead. They might get to choose what television channel the family will watch. Moms are often taking charge in the dating scene, feeling the emotions of their daughters along with them, role-playing, doing dress up, perhaps nostalgic of some of the best feelings they ever had in their life, when they were dating. So much emphasis is placed on dating and the wedding that the marriage is a several decade afterthought, if it lasts that long.

God is a good God, so His way is better, but it is His way. It’s understandable why kids want to be the ones involved all along, but that isn’t the pattern in Scripture. We are to be regulated by the pattern that God has given us for His honor and glory. Without faith it is impossible to please Him.

Principle Two—The Affiliations (Genesis 24:3-4)

Abraham is concerned first about what family she comes from. This relates to what she believes. The Canaanites were polytheists. Abraham’s family believed in the same God as Abraham. False religion was an immediate deal breaker. Abraham limited the possibilities to only the ones who would fit into his family’s belief system. Beliefs are the chief issue in a marriage. We don’t even approach people that don’t believe like we do.

Abraham utilized his servant. The servant was his networker. He went to look on behalf of Abraham, having the same thoughts about things. He went a long ways to get it done. We might need to go away from our own church and network with another church. The beliefs of the church and then the family are the first topics that should be considered in this search to find the wife. Since the church is the pillar and ground of the truth (1 Timothy 3:15), that makes the most sense today as an application of getting to the location where the qualified possibilities are. I believe the church is a far better perimeter than the institution of the college. Colleges often bring together varied belief systems that will clash in areas not important to college, but very important to a life’s partner candidate.

In the realm of affiliations, there are other passages that apply to this. An obvious one is 2 Corinthians 6:14-16. The candidate should be a believer. In the case of Abraham, it was a family of monotheists, what we would see in principle as limiting ourselves to believers today. Amos 3:3 says it with “Can two walk together, except they be agreed?” One reason people get divorced is “irreconcilable differences.” Different beliefs can be that kind of difference. Peace in Scripture relates to belief and practice more than anything. A friend of the world could not be classified as a potential life’s partner (James 4:4). An “enemy of God” would be the wrong person to marry. Other qualities will enter in, but this relates to affiliations, and we look to where we will have the most peace, that is, our own church or a church of like faith and practice.

—more coming in part four

Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favor of the Lord. 

Proverbs 18:22

As a teen, this was my life’s verse.  Having celebrated fourteen years of “obtaining favor of the Lord” this month, I can add my own personal testimony to the truth of the verse.  Although I sometimes wonder if “a good thing” is meant as an understatement. 

I’ll let Kent deal with the how’s and how-not’s of finding a wife.  I’ll simply say that I believe that the way the world goes about finding a wife is in the lust of concupiscence.  I believe that the average young person in the average church has been so heavily influenced by the world and the world’s cultural requirements (particularly through the slice of the world they observe on Television) that they really have no idea how to go about finding a wife without an element of the lust of concupiscence.  We would do well to study our Bibles on this issue, and to move away from the current model of recreational dating.

And furthermore, the Bible teaches very plainly that young people are to work through their parents towards finding a spouse.  Kent and I may disagree as to the level of involvement or the specific requirements of Scripture.  We do not disagree about the principle.  Parents have more than mere “veto power” (as some refer to it).  Parents have authority in this.  And their teens must listen to them.

That being said, it is not my purpose to parrot Pastor B.  He’ll do fine making his case, and we can hammer out our differences in the comments section.  I intend to address a different problem, one that, I hope, will expose another problematic result of our modern system of recreational dating.

Serious about Dating Is Not Serious about Marriage

The problem?  Contrary to what some of our readers might think, we aren’t serious about getting married.  We are serious about dating.  We are serious Read the rest of this entry →

Scripture reveals God’s way to obtain a spouse.  The Bible shows only one way.  God’s Word reveals that one way by means of a consistent general pattern and very specific principles.  God expects us to learn that one way.  The point of this, like it is in everything else, is to obey and honor God.  God has a design and we should emulate it.  By doing so, we glorify Him.  We say that He is wise and righteous.  When we lean on our own understanding and not trust Him, we don’t please Him.

Some might argue that the Biblical way is nothing more than a different time and culture not intended for our imitation.  That might be true if this wasn’t the regular pattern traversing the entire Bible.  We don’t see any other way among the Godly than the one way.  We shouldn’t assume that God doesn’t want us to follow the consistent Scriptural example, especially in light of 1 Thessalonians 4:1-8.

The Overall Scriptural Presentation of the General Pattern

God Chose Eve for Adam

Adam and Eve married first.  Their matrimony represents the model for marriage.  Just like Adam and Eve were yoked, a man leaves his father and mother and cleaves to his wife for two to become one (Gen 2:24).  God made a woman and she was Adam’s help meet.

Abraham Chose Rebekah for Isaac

Abraham covenanted with a trusted servant to choose a bride for his son in the longest chapter in Genesis (24).  Those sixty-seven verses seem to have no other purpose than portraying how this was supposed to be done.  Genesis doesn’t tell every occasion in the life of the patriarchs, and yet it gives tremendous detail that would be relatively meaningless if it weren’t for illustrating God’s method for choosing a wife.  This chapter breaks this event down in little pieces for examination and duplication.

God Chooses the Bride of Christ

The husband-wife relationship parallels God’s relationship with the church (Eph 5:22-33).  Even more so, the Biblical way of obtaining a spouse parallels God’s choice of a bride for His Son.  You can see this in several places.

John 10:29, “My Father, which gave them me, is greater than all; and no man is able to pluck them out of my Father’s hand.”

Ephesians 1:3-4, “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who . . . hath chosen us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and without blame before him in love.”

Christ is groom and church is bride and we see this all over in the New Testament (Matthew 9:15; 25:1-13; John 14:1-6; Revelation 21:9).  Within this pattern the Father, we can see, chooses the bride for His Son.  This is just like what we see in the pattern that God set up in Genesis 2.

The Pieces of the General Pattern Found Consistently in Other Places

As clear as the general pattern is, everything else in the Bible fits this pattern.  We don’t have the whole picture given in other places like we do in the three that I mentioned above, but we have either a few or many of the parts of the whole in other locations.  Before we’re all done looking at this issue throughout Scripture, we will see that when the pattern isn’t followed, some kind of mess comes.  The essence of this is that we do it His way and it works out and we do it our way and it’s disarray.

I’m not going to mention every single location for examples, but I want to present several to give the quintessence of this subject.

Proverbs 5-7

These three chapters of Proverbs manifest principles of both the right and wrong way.  Regarding what’s right, immediately we get in 5:1, “My son, attend unto my wisdom, and bow thine ear to my understanding.”  The right way means listening to Dad.  Through the rest of chapter five, we can see that a man shouldn’t take things into his own hands.  If he does, things won’t turn out right.  When this section gets back to this topic again in chapter six, we get this in v. 20, “My son, keep thy father’s commandment, and forsake not the law of thy mother.”  Again, it must be the way of the parents.  They must be listened to.   All of chapter seven hits this subject again, and starts with this in vv. 1-2:  “My son, keep my words, and lay up my commandments with thee.  Keep my commandments, and live; and my law as the apple of thine eye.”  For a man to avoid the multitude of problems that can occur in this task, he must obey his dad.

The major point of the Bible way is parental authority.  This is emphasized as much as anywhere in Proverbs 5-7.  When we look at what happens when someone does not listen to his parents, these chapters show a man, often a young man, takes things into his own hands and the way becomes one of lust.  Parental authority takes hormones out of the equation.  The conclusion is that without that authority, we get lust taking charge and the destruction of lives.

Song of Solomon 8

We’ve got a man, Solomon, and a women, the Shulammite (6:13).  Song of Solomon portrays married love, the bed undefiled of Hebrews 13:4.  However, it also talks about the virgin before her marriage.  Listen to her brothers, before she’s married, in Song of Solomon 8:8-9:

We have a little sister, and she hath no breasts: what shall we do for our sister in the day when she shall be spoken for?  If she be a wall, we will build upon her a palace of silver: and if she be a door, we will inclose her with boards of cedar.

When their sister was young, before she had breasts, and someone would choose to acquire her as a life’s partner, her brothers would get in the way.  Her Dad may have been dead, so the brothers stood in place of the Father.  They would protect her from all intruders by inclosing her with boards of cedar.  If she did not want to keep herself away from men, that is, if she didn’t want to be a wall but wanted to be a door, then they would encase her in a fortress of protection.

1 Corinthians 7:36-38

Dad has authority over His daughter and gives her away, only if he wants.

But if any man think that he behaveth himself uncomely toward his virgin, if she pass the flower of her age, and need so require, let him do what he will, he sinneth not: let them marry.  Nevertheless he that standeth stedfast in his heart, having no necessity, but hath power over his own will, and hath so decreed in his heart that he will keep his virgin, doeth well.  So then he that giveth her in marriage doeth well; but he that giveth her not in marriage doeth better.

Whether a daughter marries a man, that’s totally the prerogative of Dad.  If he doesn’t want her to marry for whatever reason, he doesn’t have to allow it.  This is God’s will.  If she does marry, the Dad gives her in marriage.  The text even says that he is better off if he didn’t give her in marriage.

There is the assumption in Scripture that a Dad has this kind of authority over his son as well.  We read this in Galatians 4:1-2:

Now I say, That the heir, as long as he is a child, differeth nothing from a servant, though he be lord of all; But is under tutors and governors until the time appointed of the father.

When does a boy become a man?  When his Dad says that he does.  A Dad is to understand manhood, inform his son how to get there, and then tell him when he’s arrived.  We’ve gotten a long ways away from this in our culture.  A man leaves his father and cleaves to his wife.  It must be a man, not a boy.  That’s a basic in this process.

We’ll look at some other places in Scripture to show that this is the pattern that God gives.  Before we do, we’re going to break down one passage and show the principles there, connecting to other places in the Bible.

1 Thessalonians 4:1-8

Paul departed Thessalonica after only a three week stay, shortened by threat of death, leaving an infant church to fare without him.  He writes back a first letter, packing in a short epistle the most dire truths for spiritual survival and success, ending with staccato-like, practical, fatherly, bullet points of belief and practice.

The Importance of the Bible Way (1 Thessalonians 4:1-3a)

He introduces chapter four as though he will tell them the greatest truths of their Christan lives.  To practice these truths, he begs them.  In the most intimate term, he exhorts them, calling twice upon the authority of Jesus Christ Himself.  He reminds them not once, but twice, that he had already taught them this doctrine when he was there so briefly.  He describes these things as their obligation (”ought”), their walk, their pleasing God, and their way to abound more.  He characterizes this teaching as “commandments,” “the will of God,” and “their sanctification.”

The Identification of the Bible Way (1 Thessalonians 4:3b-4)

Don’t Fornicate

With that fanfare to begin telling them what He wants, one would expect something that not only they, but none of us should forget.  What is this instruction that is emphasized in such unparalleled terms?  First, it is a fundamental to the whole proceeding issue, that is, abstain from fornication.  Implied in this commandment is that to heed it would require the accompanying preventative measures.  Those who fornicate don’t “just” fornicate.  There is a path that leads up to fornication (Colossians 3:5).  To abstain one should believe in abstaining and then the things that would best ensure abstaining.

Know How To Obtain Your Life’s Partner in Sanctification and Honor

The second commandment paralleled with no fornication is to “know how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honour.”  God requires believers to Read the rest of this entry →

I’ve been away from my keyboard for a bit (and not minding it at all), and will be away for about another week. We spent half a month in Indiana and the country in between, visiting family and friends and covered bridges and State Parks. Along the way, we saw the new Lewis and Clarke Museum near Nebraska City, the Henry Doorly Zoo in Omaha, and paid through the nose for petro. We arrived home on Tuesday night, unpacked for half a day on Wednesday, and then I got down to business preparing for our Summer Camp, which begins on Monday. When I finish camp, I’m looking forward to a little bit of a slower pace… and (I hope) some extra time to re-acquaint myself with my fellow JackHammers, and with my keyboard.

I had one more post I wanted to do on television, before we move on to the next item on the agenda. About a month ago, I wrapped up a series of lessons on television by asking our people to consider their relationship to what has affectionately been dubbed the “boob tube.” I proposed a series of questions for our people to ask themselves regarding the television, and in this post, I want to propose that same set of questions. Feel free to answer them in the comments section, if you like. But first, let me introduce the questions.

Paul makes a statement that I believe is relevant to the issue of television, as it is to many other cultural issues. He said,

For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war after the flesh: (For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds;) Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ; And having in a readiness to revenge all disobedience, when your obedience is fulfilled.

2 Corinthians 10:3-6

We want to bring into captivity every thought about television to the obedience of Christ. Really, that has been the point of this series all along. Would we like you to turn your television off? Sure. Would we like you to get rid of it altogether? Why not. But we have not turned this series into an extended rant on “television, smell-a-vision, hell-a-vision.” We have not urged holiness Read the rest of this entry →